Wielder of REBIRTH

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Moribito von Laurel
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Wielder of REBIRTH

Post by Moribito von Laurel » Fri Sep 30, 2011 7:40 pm

-/Data File- 1200001910-9\-

Archived Name: Moribito von Laurel (solved as unofficial last name; actual full name has yet to be identified)
Gender: Male
Alias: Zephyr
Age: Somewhere between the ages of 15-17
Relatives: unt who lies on the edge of the Endzone, father and mother suspected of dying after the creation of the Endzone
Appearance: UNKNOWN. His last known appearance update stated him as a male around the height of 5'6" with sky blue hair with silver highlights. Noticeable facial features are a somewhat permanent scowl, grey eyes, and the eye formation of a hawk. Moribito has also been rumored to have fangs.

-/Biography\-

At the moment, it is unclear who or what Moribito is; he's taken his last name from his aunt who raised him for a time after his parents were pronounced dead after the creation of the Endzone. Over the years, he has been somewhat of an enigma, for it wasn't until recently that his entire medical history was discovered to be a fraud since the time at which he was five until today. Moribito soon became a threat to the people of Revolt City after he acquired an interesting piece of equipment known as the REBIRTH, a high military, advance suit of armor that covers the body from head to toe and is made out of some of the best metals on our planet. It's well-made, causing bullets of up to .44 from his home world to barely scratch the surface. Mori is fast and exceedingly dangerous at close combat, as his suit provides him with heightened mobility, heightened hand-eye coordination, and better reflexes. It is stated the he has never been seen out of the armor, and was hinted by his aunt that, even without the armor, Moribito still poses a threat to those who wish to combat him. It is unclear whether or not his aunt has fought, trained, or seen him without the suit of armor fighting against other opponents. Currently, Moribito has gone missing after committing a series of robberies on the military scale, as well as systematically destroying businesses of powerful, wealthy politicians and important military personnel.

For now it still a great mystery how Moribito obtained a suit of great ability and power. It his hinted he's working with a mysterious splinter group who has risen the crime rate at an exponential pace, what is it he seeks to obtain is unknown as no one has ever talked to him or even had relative contact with the strange male. Getting answers out of his aunt has come in repeated failures as she constantly goes into hiding whenever the need arises. Apprehension of Moribito was close at hand until his Aunt displayed an unknown amount of magical and physical skill and defeated the NASF team sent after him. Moribito finally showed himself after a gruesome fight with the chairman of a powerful space organization program, it was there NASF was sent again to apprehend his and much to their dismay, Moribito was able to beat and execute the commanding 1st General of the NASF on national television. After years of plotting and triangulating, it was shown Moribito had no where else to run and was cornered once again by the NASF, he foiled their apprehending attempt as he used the REBIRTH mobile systems to get himself a great deal of speed to go through what looked like a dimensional rift that sent him to an unknown world. We're currently figuring of a way to get to the world and find Moribito, this task will come to realization soon after eight months time.
Last edited by Moribito von Laurel on Sun Oct 02, 2011 11:48 am, edited 3 times in total.

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Laola
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Post by Laola » Fri Sep 30, 2011 8:14 pm

Not bad, but re-read this, man. You have some serious English flaws that make some real logical failures.

"It is stated the he has never been seen out of the armor and when he has his abilities are still great suit or not." Um, English problems aside, this makes no sense.

The rest of the content is pretty savvy, if you clarify the grammar.
"Had you any faith, you could succeed tremendously."



Moribito von Laurel
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Post by Moribito von Laurel » Sat Oct 01, 2011 8:48 pm

umm mumm mum i had re-read everything thrice and made the edits to the grammar mistakes and made the bio make more sense

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Laola
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Post by Laola » Sat Oct 01, 2011 10:15 pm

Better. You keep missing some things, like "figuring of" (should be "out") at the end, and list properties. You put commas between each adjective or adverb, yes, but not elsewhere unless another comma property demands it. Example:
"Taylor is taller than me, sick, and working on his character, but none of those items have anything in common." Here, we have a comma at the end of the list because it is the end of that part of the compound sentence (as denoted by "but"). If I had listed the adjective phrases, then said that they correspond to Taylor, I would put no comma after "character," but after "Taylor," as "Taylor" would end that part of the sentence. For the record, Taylor would appreciate some prayer.
"I have a high-quality, suede pair of shoes somewhere around here." Here, "high-quality" and "suede" both describe the pair of shoes, so there's a comma between them, but not after "suede;" that is the end of the list. It doesn't need a comma between it and what it's describing.
"Had you any faith, you could succeed tremendously."



Moribito von Laurel
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Post by Moribito von Laurel » Sun Oct 02, 2011 1:14 am

ah ok that does make sense but even though i will edit it, most people would make sense of it still. I'm gunna check the spelling and adding of other words to make it more sensible and check punctuation and such.

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Laola
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Post by Laola » Sun Oct 02, 2011 6:58 am

Savvy. Right; people will be able to make sense of it, as it is. Still, you know how annoying it can be for people to have to forcefully make sense of things, rather than just read proper writing. I wouldn't push you to edit every little mistake or such, but I figure that there's no sense in letting a teachable moment go to waste, aye?
"Had you any faith, you could succeed tremendously."



Moribito von Laurel
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Post by Moribito von Laurel » Sun Oct 02, 2011 11:40 am

Aye you're a great teacher :D

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Laola
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Post by Laola » Mon Nov 28, 2011 3:15 am

I fixed the first paragraph for you. Here are the rest of the errors:

Put a comma after "For now."
In the second sentence, would you rather phrase it to say that they have caused the crime rate to rise at an exponential pace? After that, the comma should be a period, and the next word should be capitalized; those sentences are unrelated.
Put a comma after "failures."
Put a comma after "at hand."
"Aunt" should be decapitalized unless at the start of a sentence or when used as part of a title, such as "Aunt Linda."
After "space organization program, end the sentence and start a new one. You sure do have a lot of run-on sentences.
"Appprehend his" should be "apprehend him," after which there should be a comma (since "and" is the conjunction for the next part of the sentence). After "and," there should be another comma, since "much to their dismay" is a prepositional phrase.
"...it was shown Moribito had no where else to run and was cornered once again by the NASF, he foiled their apprehending attempt as he used the REBIRTH mobile systems to get himself a great deal of speed to go through what looked like a dimensional rift that sent him to an unknown world." First, I would say, "...it was shown that Moribito had nowhere else to run..." because it makes the start of this part more clear and because "nowhere" is a compound word in this context. Of course, the latter part is technically optional. Second, you have another run-on; stop the sentence after "NASF" and make the rest a second sentence. Third, your best two options with the latter sentence's beginning are either to put a comma after "attempt" or replace "as he used" with "by using." In the former case, most of the sentence is a prepositional phrase that describes how he foiled the attempt. In the latter case, it's the same description, but it's phrased as a single statement, rather than a statement with a prepositional phrase to describe it.
"This task" should start a new sentence. In that last sentence, "eight months" should be possessive ("eight months' time" = "the time of eight months," rather than "eight months time," which is like "four apples weight" where there should be "four apples' weight").

By the way, do you wanna' say just where Mori is from?
"Had you any faith, you could succeed tremendously."



Moribito von Laurel
Posts in topic: 5
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Post by Moribito von Laurel » Tue Nov 29, 2011 12:19 am

Thanks man you really didnt have to edit the first paragraph now i feel like a slaking :P i will get to those errors after i read the next to reviews and no i dont want to it's better to leave out where he is from.... for now at least.

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Learpabru
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Post by Learpabru » Tue Nov 29, 2011 12:27 am

You're welcome, and okay.
"One can not help others without their acceptance."

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