Daeris the Light Hunter

Character backstories and generic information, such as height, weight, and appearance, for Houcm characters are here. There is only one Houcm character per account. If your char was not made/born in Houcm, please explain how xe got there.
Zahari
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Daeris the Light Hunter

Post by Zahari » Thu Jun 09, 2011 3:22 am

Name: Daeris
Age: 17
Birth date: Unrecorded
Race: Dökkálfar/Ljósálfar
Eye color: Pale gold
Hair color: White-lavender, braided into a loop in the back, left long on one side; Length: middle of chest
Height: 5 feet, 5 inches
Weight: 120 pounds
Personality: Daeris is very to the point in her speech and may seem harsh but doesn't like to cut corners. She doesn't like people who are bias in their thoughts and only appreciates true judgments. Sometimes she is surprised by emotion that she unexpectedly feels and may lash out at others defensively. But it just means that she fears getting hurt and with persistence her heart might be swayed by the right person.

Background:
In a large-scale war called Yofhéa, two countries, Dökkál and Ljósál, have battled for generations. The Ljósál are creatures of light and goodness, while Dökkál were bred to wield the powers of shadow and were chaotic by nature. For many centuries, the two sides battled each other over a great wall which each had strongholds upon, called the Shorri. The Ljósálfar were thoughtful creatures who were easily capable of love and emotion, but still held a heart for pride and lust; the Dökkálfar were genetically bred to feel little emotion or pain and very rarely felt love. When they did, it was not for a moment or a few years, but forever.

And so, the tragedy is set. One year before Daeris was born, there lived a strong and renowned Ljósálfr male named Aendaér and a beautiful, dark, Dökkálfr high priestess high priestess by the name of Thiabes. Both were exceptionally loyal to their countries and battled with magic and weapons for them during Yofhéa. Every day, they shed blood for their leaders and causes. One day, Aendaér alone had wished to flank their enemy with a hidden route; however, he went too far in and had stumbled into unoccupied, Dökkál territory. As he was turning back, turning back for fear of being killed by several Dökkálfar soldiers, he heard a splash of water. Going to investigate, Aendaér peeked behind trees to find an enemy priestess bathing peacefully in a spring. This was Thiabes, a Dökkálfar high priestess. Aendaér was intrigued and pursued the priestess who priestess, who was at first reluctant, but gave in to the man's charms. For several days, they stayed together in hiding a little beyond the Shorri's border. Thiabes would smuggle him meats and vegetables from her tribe and, in exchange, Aendaér would whisper her endearments and eventually make love to her.

For Aendaér, he was done with her, for his love was rather lust. After bedding Thiabes, he left several days after, without a word more to the Dökkálfar priestess. But for Thiabes, it was forever... She searched for her short lover for a long time, pregnant with his child. As much as she weeped and she mourned, she could not let go the thought of staying forever with Aendaér, the famous, but foolish, Ljósálfar soldier. Thiabes' advisors, disgusted by her betrayal, disowned her and sent her into exile. In exile, she met a wise, old woman named Brýnil. She advised the torn woman to stay there for all her years and never pursue her ex-lover, or else meet certain death.

A year passed, and a baby was born from the womb of Thiabes. She had light skin like a Ljósálfar, but white-lavender hair like a Dökkálfar. Cradling the child in her arms, Thiabes wept for two days before she left with the child at twilight. She carried the child all the way to Shorri, and with her powers she still had from priestesshood, tracked down Aendaér. With the child yet unnamed, she hoped it would sway the heart of the true father.

But it did not. When she approached the field, shouting to Aendaér that this was his own child, and that she wished to see him with all her heart, for it had always belonged to him, Ljósálfar soldiers attacked her on spot, one of them being Aendaér himself. There was no hesitation in them, simply blood and another body count they would take. But Thiabes' desire to protect her child hidden within her cloak ignited a raging fire in her heart and she spread a curse upon all that struck her, reducing them to ash instantly, including Aendaér. She rocked the child slowly, singing a lullaby while bathed in blood, and the whole field was filled with the haunting song before it stopped. The mother perished, the wrapped baby surrounded in ash, once people, and blood that fueled a broken heart.

From the shadows of the field, Brýnil, who had watched the scene, emerged. She picked up the baby, who still slept so soundly and announced, "You, curse to the ones who bore you, will be named Daeris." Daeris, in the Dökkálfar language, means "Shadow Queen".

For 16 years, Brýnil and Daeris lived together. She had the look of both races and a leaning heart toward Ljósálfar, but a sharp mind of a Dökkálfar. Her heart yearned to love, but she did not want it. She was capable of unexpected jealousy, but despised it. Even in exile, and even in a small village with no name, Daeris still was isolated by who she was. Because of that, she packed her bags one day and told Brýnil she wished to go to a place where she could start anew. Her caretaker surprisingly agreed; many times she saw blurred visions for Daeris' future, which could mean that she was meant to go somewhere other than stay in this realm. So she prepared a ritual for Daeris, having her conduct it herself so she may appear in the place her future shone brightest. The ritual worked, and Daeris appeared in the Houcm Universe to start her life over.
Last edited by Zahari on Tue Jun 14, 2011 12:22 am, edited 3 times in total.

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Noah Ivaldi
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Post by Noah Ivaldi » Thu Jun 09, 2011 3:37 am

"feel little, even pain" Is this part supposed to say, "feel little, even no pain"?
"unexpectedly jealousy" = "unexpected jealousy"?

There are some other errors that I'd be happy to proofread for you, if you'd like. Other than that, the only content issue is that you don't really say how you got to Houcm. After all, one doesn't generally traverse dimensions just by walking along.
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Post by Zahari » Thu Jun 09, 2011 3:47 am

I edited the document. If you tell me where the errors are I can fix them. Thank you.

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Noah Ivaldi
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Post by Noah Ivaldi » Thu Jun 09, 2011 4:20 am

large-scale
two countries, Dökkál and Ljósál
pride and lust; the
And so, the tragedy is set.
strong and renowned
beautiful, dark, Dökkálfr high priestess ("Dökkálfr" is being used as an adjective, here, so it goes as a list item. The "high" in "high priestess" would also be a list item, since it's an adjective, but it's part of a position title that is used as a singular word, so it is exempted from the rule.)
Every day, they shed
route; however, he went too far (alternative: route. However, he went too far)
unoccupied, Dökkál ("Dökkál" is here an adjective.)
turning back for fear of
priestess, who was at first
and, in exchange, Aendaér
a word more to the Dökkálfar priestess
forever... She searched
child. As much as she weeped and she mourned,
foolish, Ljósálfar soldier (You get this, by now.)
wise old woman (The list thing goes whenever you have any more than one adjective for a noun.)
A year passed, and a baby
that this was his own child, and that she wished to see him with all her heart, for it had always belonged to him,
"But the child Thiabes held in her cloak ignited her and she spread a curse upon all that struck her, reducing them to ash instantly, Aendaér as well." (This part has two issues: 1) It sounds like the baby set the mom on fire. Is that what you meant? 2) If you stick with "as well," you can put a comma before it (Aendaér, as well), but many would find it preferable to say (Aendaér included) or (including Aendaér). The way that you have it listed was right at a time, but since the rules of the language have changed so much, that method is no longer accepted as proper punctuation and grammar.)
bathed in blood, and (Compound sentences require either a comma and a conjunction, such as "and" or "but," or a semicolon.)
Even in exile, and even in a small village with no name,
Daeris' future, which
future shone brightest
The ritual worked, and Daeris appeared ("and so now" is commonly used in today's society, but it's gramatically incorrect. You really should pick just one conjunction and use it. I show the sentence with "and" because it sounded like the most applicable to me, but you could also use "so" or "now." If you were to use "now," you'd have to either capitalize it and put a period at the end of "worked," pr put a semicolon at the end of "worked.")

There you go. You're more than welcome. ^_^
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Post by Zahari » Thu Jun 09, 2011 2:41 pm

Okay, I finished editing it with your corrections.

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Leilani
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Post by Leilani » Thu Jun 09, 2011 2:52 pm

Oops, I forgot a comma in the first sentence. I'll get that for you.
There.

Nice job! Very nice. I like the story, and now that it's all corrected, it really looks as nice as the content is. Again, welcome to Seinvocc. ^_^
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Post by Zahari » Tue Jun 14, 2011 12:23 am

Edited more information including personality traits.

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K
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Post by K » Tue Jun 14, 2011 2:01 am

Shiny. :3
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